Tuesday, July 21, 2015

This is hard. Life after your husband, your children's father, your best friend gets cancer, needs a bone marrow transplant to be cured, and is almost done with his chemotherapy after transplant. Oh, and did I mention, leukemia is my career. Literally what I focus on day in and day out at work. I have seen amazing success stories - kids and young adults who survive, no - who thrive. But God help me - that is not what I remember. I remember those who relapse, who have horrible side effects, who suffer and die. With the end of chemo coming it's all I can do to not think about this. What if this pill is keeping his leukemia at bay. What if once he stops - it comes back. But not like before. Resistant to chemotherapy. Resistant to therapy. My kids are bigger. They would remember it. They would remember their daddy getting sick, being in the hospital, and they would remember...
I am told and I know his chances of relapse are low. However - IT HAPPENS! I can't, I just can't lose him. I get so frustrated when my fears are minimized. And I also get frustrated that I can't even figure out how to bring up my fears and talk about them. IT HAPPENS. People relapse who shouldn't.

Kevin does get the best care - but it is frustrating for me. I feel completely alone and scared. I won't and can't tell him how I feel. I won't allow him to be worried about how I feel. I don't know how to explain to anyone what this is like. And when I try to take the time to think about this or how I react - the guilt sets in. I am not the one with a life threatening disease. If he is thriving - I should be too. Ugh; I am not even sure what this post is about... I just needed to type; to get it out.

No comments:

Post a Comment